Thursday, March 11, 2010

Day 2 of my "i hate my life" kick (well more like day 236, but who's counting...) and tonight i'm at least not feeling like drowning myself in my pillow. it helps that i got to see some of my favorite women tonight and they always lift my spirits. or at least help me forget for a few hours how shitty my life still that i'm home, and it's been 5 hours since i've gotten a text message, AND it's thursday night which means all of campbell is engaged in debauchery and not one soul has bothered to invite me yanks me back into i'm home, eating everything in sight (which is some bizarre combo of lunchmeat, peas and rice, a few spoonfulls of "light and fit", and a lime ice popsicle thing drenched in whipped cream) and watching "post grad" which is like watching a white trash version of gilmore girls.

facebook has been calling my name all day, and part of me feels like i should just give up my resolve to rid myself of that toxic wasteland and rejoin the peer pressure world...but it hasn't even been 24 hours so i feel pretty pathetic if i give up that easy.

as i'm watching this movie, i'm sadly relating to alexis bledel's character, whose life has taken a nose dive for the worst, leaving her feeling like a complete loser next to all of her successful peers. little to close to home? hmmm...omg and she doesn't have a car. ok, did someone predict my pitfalls and write them into a script? what doesn't mimic my life that i wish i could relate to is the hot latin man that is now cooking her breakfast for dinner...i'm keeping my eyes open...

i've never been very good at sounding profound. or clever. ususally when one or the other takes place, it's totally unplanned and entirely out of the blue. so when i sit here and try to put the storm inside my heart into words on a page, without it sounding like an emo hymn, i find myself at a loss.

still, i feel compelled to write something...if only because there is something in me that needs to come out and since i have no human ears to listen, my only shoulder to cry on is this i am at nearly 28, still crying myself to sleep (only without actually being able to fall asleep) like i was 8 and my best friend said they hated me..but sadly, that's almost what i feel at the my best friend told me they hate me. and i don't even have a best friend. but in a more general sense, i feel the deepest sense of loneliness. i haven't a true friend in the world tonight. not one soul that would feel the breeze of my life passing if i were to die. not one person who would sense the void if my life was no more. (ok, well maybe my parents....but they honestly probably wouldn't notice right away either). i'm not trying to sound like "woe is me, nobody loves me" but i can't help it. it actually seems to be did i reach this place? i feel like i've always tried to be the best me, and be confident in who that is. i've tried to be a good friend, and person in general. yet, in all my attempts, i've lost every connection that tied me to another soul. my only connection these days is physical. therefore, if i'm not there in the flesh, i basically don't exist.

i hate the cage i live seems to get smaller every day. but even if someone opened the door and let me out, i fear my wings are broken and i wouldn't be able to fly anyhow...i sound so adolescent, i want to slap myself. but all the pep talks, and motivational speeches i've given myself have only succeeded in energizing me enough to make it to the next disappointment, and sure as rain, they always come.

what does a person have to do to achieve a better life? to be loved back? to feel like they're worth SOMEone?

if i never write another one of these stupid vent sessions, i couldn't be more happy...but tonight, i can't escape it. in the words of someone who once cared, it is what it is.