i've never been very good at sounding profound. or clever. ususally when one or the other takes place, it's totally unplanned and entirely out of the blue. so when i sit here and try to put the storm inside my heart into words on a page, without it sounding like an emo hymn, i find myself at a loss.
still, i feel compelled to write something...if only because there is something in me that needs to come out and since i have no human ears to listen, my only shoulder to cry on is this blog..here i am at nearly 28, still crying myself to sleep (only without actually being able to fall asleep) like i was 8 and my best friend said they hated me..but sadly, that's almost what i feel at the moment..like my best friend told me they hate me. and i don't even have a best friend. but in a more general sense, i feel the deepest sense of loneliness. i haven't a true friend in the world tonight. not one soul that would feel the breeze of my life passing if i were to die. not one person who would sense the void if my life was no more. (ok, well maybe my parents....but they honestly probably wouldn't notice right away either). i'm not trying to sound like "woe is me, nobody loves me" but i can't help it. it actually seems to be true...how did i reach this place? i feel like i've always tried to be the best me, and be confident in who that is. i've tried to be a good friend, and person in general. yet, in all my attempts, i've lost every connection that tied me to another soul. my only connection these days is physical. therefore, if i'm not there in the flesh, i basically don't exist.
i hate the cage i live in...it seems to get smaller every day. but even if someone opened the door and let me out, i fear my wings are broken and i wouldn't be able to fly anyhow...i sound so adolescent, i want to slap myself. but all the pep talks, and motivational speeches i've given myself have only succeeded in energizing me enough to make it to the next disappointment, and sure as rain, they always come.
what does a person have to do to achieve a better life? to be loved back? to feel like they're worth something...to SOMEone?
if i never write another one of these stupid vent sessions, i couldn't be more happy...but tonight, i can't escape it. in the words of someone who once cared, it is what it is.
still, i feel compelled to write something...if only because there is something in me that needs to come out and since i have no human ears to listen, my only shoulder to cry on is this blog..here i am at nearly 28, still crying myself to sleep (only without actually being able to fall asleep) like i was 8 and my best friend said they hated me..but sadly, that's almost what i feel at the moment..like my best friend told me they hate me. and i don't even have a best friend. but in a more general sense, i feel the deepest sense of loneliness. i haven't a true friend in the world tonight. not one soul that would feel the breeze of my life passing if i were to die. not one person who would sense the void if my life was no more. (ok, well maybe my parents....but they honestly probably wouldn't notice right away either). i'm not trying to sound like "woe is me, nobody loves me" but i can't help it. it actually seems to be true...how did i reach this place? i feel like i've always tried to be the best me, and be confident in who that is. i've tried to be a good friend, and person in general. yet, in all my attempts, i've lost every connection that tied me to another soul. my only connection these days is physical. therefore, if i'm not there in the flesh, i basically don't exist.
i hate the cage i live in...it seems to get smaller every day. but even if someone opened the door and let me out, i fear my wings are broken and i wouldn't be able to fly anyhow...i sound so adolescent, i want to slap myself. but all the pep talks, and motivational speeches i've given myself have only succeeded in energizing me enough to make it to the next disappointment, and sure as rain, they always come.
what does a person have to do to achieve a better life? to be loved back? to feel like they're worth something...to SOMEone?
if i never write another one of these stupid vent sessions, i couldn't be more happy...but tonight, i can't escape it. in the words of someone who once cared, it is what it is.
No comments:
Post a Comment