Tuesday, December 07, 2010

"only thing i ever could need
only one good thing worth tryin to be
and it's love..."

sara b.

today was a day of new beginnings and old disappointments. i woke up with so much anticipation for what the following hours held in store...i was scheduled for a hair-transformation, and in many ways, a whole-self transformation. cutting my hair was more than just fashionably fresh, it was symbolic of taking strides into new territory, a territory that had previously been avoided with fearful intention. my long hair was my comfort zone, my familiar friend, my fall-back when everything else was unreliable or uncooperative. but in a moment of adventurous spontaneity, almost rebellion against myself, i decided to quit playing it safe. and with that first swift clip of the scissors, all my fear fell to the floor. it was almost as though a burden had been lifted when it was all over. not only was my coif lighter, my whole disposition was altered, the old weary one replaced with a new sparkling one. there was a new lightness in my step, and it gave me an infusion of energy by which to attack the rest of my day.

and so i took each coming hour on with fervor, with willing expectation, believing that this was my day. the next big development was the potential remedying of my car-less circumstance, after a year and a half long wait. FINALLY, i was going to be driving behind the wheel of my OWN vehicle again! i could barely sit still at the possibility. for over a year i had been at the mercy of others, and though i was eternally thankful for the generosity of those who lent me their vehicles or lent me a ride on many an occasion, it was time for me to have that freedom which i so longed to own for myself once more. the freedom to hop in the car and drive just for the sake of exploring or taking a breather. the freedom to be be fully me in my spontaneous nature. the freedom to generously give of what i had to others. yes, today was my day.

what i had not foreseen were the little cuts and scrapes i was to receive along the way...a life-long struggle with a certain familial relationship swooped in to remind me once more that i am not accepted by all, that i have not measured up. a swell of emotions which had been safely buried were rapidly unearthed and laid bare on a cold autopsy table, unwilling subjects of bitterness and accusation. that all too familiar chilling wind which had blown through my streets during the summertime of my content was back again to rain on my parade...and worst of all from one who should be my greatest support, my most loyal ally. what surprised me most was not the wound itself, but more the depth of hurt it rendered. hadn't i conquered this? wasn't i past this?

and so it seems that in my lesson of loving those who are unloveable, i am forced to love those who are vicious and unrelenting. and i am forced to accept that good things rarely come without bad. but if i am to live this life well, i must master the bad so that they do not strip from me the joys of the good. i must be prepared, and be un-stick-able, so that forgiveness and resilience are my first response when accusations try to dig their claws into me. i must leave mental post-it notes to remind myself that i am blessed, i am worthy, i am good enough and i am loved.

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