Friday, December 03, 2010

"so this is Christmas..."

"if i speak with the tongues of men and of angels...but do not have love, i am profits me nothing" (1 cor. 13)

it's almost the end of the semester. and the year. i find myself lost in thought quite a bit these days. thinking about grades, or gifts to buy, or plans for the new year, or changes to come...i've been questioning so many things, like why we buy each other gifts at Christmas, but not all year round. or why we can't be forthright with the people we love, but instead we play mind games and end up with wounded emotions and misunderstandings. several times i've thought about what i should write on here this week, but each time nothing seemed to sit comfortably with me. perhaps that's what it comes down to. nothing sits comfortably with me at the moment. or i can't be comfortable with the things in my life. but the truth is, i know we're not always meant to be comfortable. often, it's during the times of abrasiveness or displeasure that we learn the most or cultivate the best character. it's during the times where our patience is waning or our compassion is lacking that we see our true selves and face the challenge of making necessary changes. and so as i ponder these truths, i look at myself and ask "what needs to change?" i think of the superficial changes i've made, or told myself i need to make...i've changed my hair color, and contemplated a drastic change in hairstyle; i've studied new skin care regiments; i've taken up a new diet; i've thought about ways to spice up my workouts; i've calculated how to revamp my wardrobe, and my decor, and my playlists, and my reading materials....but underneath all that, something lies in broken shambles. at the core of me, something needs repair. my love muscle has been neglected. i've been selective about when and how to use it. i've placed conditions on it. i've used it incorrectly, or even inappropriately. it needs to be rehabilitated, stretched, strengthened. and while i want the final product, i know i have to suffer through some unbearable workouts to get it back to a healthy state. i have to forgive people who cut me down. i have to love people who i hardly like. i have to accept that everyone has their own journey, and everyone is going at their own pace. and i have to choose to be first one to love, knowing it may not be received or reciprocated. i have to sacrifice my expectations and accept what i am given. but if i can do all this, and do it well, the blessing is having a heart that gives beyond what i ever thought capable, and chance to be the change i've prayed for. and deeper still, it is the chance for my heart to at last beat in tune with the true source of Love and Life. and that is my gift this Christmas.

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